"Who the hell was that guy?" I demanded when it was just Hyunnie and me. I was in total shock. I mean, he'd just put my hand over his heart! And I felt his heartbeat!
"Never mind that, did you feel anything Jae?" she demanded back.
"What do you mean never mind?!" I exclaimed.
"By meaning never mind!" she replied, looking as white as a sheet.
"Hyunnie.. are you okay?" I asked, feeling concerned.
"Look, I just need to know if you felt anything when you touched him," she said, looking me square in the eye.
"I..." I started, then did a quick mental flashback.
Flashback:
What are you going to do? I thought, as he picked up my hand. His own hand was shaking slightly, I could feel it. But it felt oddly comfortable to have him holding my hand. I felt like I could hang on to it forever.
Then I stiffened. After all, this was a total stranger holding my hand. I brought my gaze up to his face. His eyes were watching me intently, as if waiting for a reaction. "What do you want from me?" I felt like asking.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to you," he said. And I was instantly transported back to a place. Flashes of sunset colours. Rain. A phone box. Fried rice? A racing game on a television screen. A room full of pink. A boy and a girl sitting in one bed, talking. I couldn't see their faces. Everything was so blurry. The boy slipping his arm around the girl's waist as they fell asleep. "I won't do anything to you, relax," said a familiar voice.
Then I was dumped back into the hospital room.
And felt him place my hand on his chest. Over his heart. I stared at my hand. I stared at him. I felt like I was falling. I could feel his heartbeat through the layers of clothes. My mind left the room again. I could feel my breath getting faster, but I could see nothing but a dark room. A boy and a girl were sitting on the bed. No conversation, but I watched the boy place the girls' hand over his heart. Watched as their heads slowly drifted closer to each other.
I felt like I was in a dream. I snapped back to reality. This face in front of me... I lifted my other hand and touched his face slowly, running down his jaw, placing it behind his neck. I felt like I could hug this person. This...
DongHae. A voice in my head. DongHae? East Sea?
What re you doing?! my mind screamed at me. I blinked and fell back to earth with a thud that no one heard. What...? Why am I touching his face?
"What are you doing?!" I yelled, and gave him such a hard push that he fell right off the bed.
Hyunnie was looking at me.
"So....?" she said gently.
I swallowed. "Nothing," I said, not quite catching her eye. "There was nothing."
---
When HyunJae and my parents left I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The clock said it was 9pm. I felt exhausted. Too much information. Too much drama. Too much mystery.
Was it too much to say that I didn't feel anything? I'd definitely felt something. But I had no idea what it was. Maybe if I ignored it, it would go away.
I want it to go away. I was feeling so many different emotions. I felt like I'd explode.
I turned over on my side and looked at the single flower on my bedside table. Who'd put it there? I spotted the table's drawer and pulled it out. Just to see what was in it.
It was an iPod.
Just a small one, an
I pulled it out of the drawer and plugged in, pressing the play button.
다른 사람 필요 없어 난 그냥 너라고
다시 한번 물어봐도 난 그냥 너라고.
Darun saram piryo eobseo, nan geunyang neorago
Dashi hanbeon muleo bwado, nan geunyang neorago.
I don’t need anyone else, it’s only you
When you ask again, it’s only you
That voice again.
I stifled a sob.
But I couldn't stop the tears from falling.
But these tears... for what?
DongHae
I cried on the way home. I didn't want to, but somehow I just couldn't keep them in.
Kyu squeezed my shoulder symphatetically from the backseat.
Hyukkie had no choice but to keep both hands on the wheel.
None of us made a sound the whole journey back.
Well, apart from the occasional whimper from me. That was hard to keep in.
RyeoWook was the one who opened the door.
And with RyeoWook you kinda know what to expect.
He took one look at my face and his mouth dropped open.
And his lower lip began to tremble.
"Wookie, it's not -" HyukJae started, darting forward to stop him, but RyeoWook had turned violently, walking into YeSung hyung.
"Ooph, Wookie, I think you've winded me," YeSung hyung started, but Wookie buried his head in his shoulder and started howling. "What...?" YeSung looked around questioningly while patting Wookie on the head.
Then he spotted us.
Or, more accurately, he spotted me.
"Oh my God," he said, eyes wide. "Hae..." He put a hand up to his mouth.
But before he could say another word, SungMin had barreled right into us. "DongHae...! What's going on?! How is she?!" he squealed, then pulled back from me when I gave no reaction. I was still numb. He searched my face and his eyes rested on mine. Judging from the look on his face, the were probably as red as the strawberries he loved.
"Hae!" he yelled, shaking me. "Tell me what's going on! You're scaring me!"
Hyuk darted forward again. He seemed to understand I was still incapable of... anything really. And Kyu never let go of my shoulders. Another time when I feel like he's the hyung, not me.
"It's not what you think," said Hyuk quickly.
"Where's JaeHwa?!" SungMin yelled, almost hysterical. "She's... she's not..."
"No!" said HyukJae. "She's alive hyung, she's awake...!" He didn't get to say another word after that because SungMin had pulled him into a hug so tight that it looked like an anaconda crushing it's prey slowly to death.
"Hyung, I think that HyukJae hyung's kinda... umm... dying," said Kyu, gently steering me into the room. He pushed me down onto the sofa. "I'll get you a glass of water, hyung." He walked into the kitchen. In the background I could hear SungMin yelling that JaeHwa was alive! JaeHwa's alive, everyone!
Yes Min, JaeHwa's alive, but she doesn't remember you, me or anyone else in this room. So why are you wasting your breath?
Suddenly the others were all around me, sitting next to me, on the floor, standing. Just generally being there. I don't even remember them coming out of their rooms, just them being there.
So how many minutes had passed since I'd sat down?
And why was Kyu taking so long to get me that water?
I felt like I was in a press conference. All these questions, all about JaeHwa.
JaeHwa.
What would I do without Hyukkie. My manager when everything falls apart. And Kyu. My assistant who's more like a caretaker. I'd only need KiBum now, but he's away. I wish he was here. It doesn't feel like Super Junior when one of us is missing.
Hyukkie answered all the questions for me. Everyone just assumed that she was fine, that she remembered us. Well, I wouldn't blame them, if I wasn't there I would have assumed it too.
Finally, a lull in all the clammering voices. I was starting to get a headache. I looked down at my hands, clasped tightly around the glass of water. They were shaking. Any minute now and the glass would spill over. Thank God I hadn't taken even a sip. My stomach felt like it would spill over soon.
"There's one thing you should know hyungs," said Kyu, taking advantage of the momentary silence. "Jae... she's lost some of her memory. She can't remember any of us..." I saw him glance swiftly at me. "... including DongHae hyung."
The world exploded again.
I can't take this anymore.
"Shut up!" I yelled, standing up. I felt so... pissed. So drained. So angry at being forgotten this easily. I felt like hunting down the driver who did this to Jae and knocking his memory out.
"Calm down DongHae," said Teukie hyung, standing up slowly.
I stared at him, breathing wildly. My heart was hammering nineteen to the dozen. I've been angry with myself before - you should have seen me when I broke it off with JaeHwa... I would have killed myself if Hyukkie hadn't intervened - but not, never with the other members. Not as angry as this.
"Calm down?" I asked, disbelievingly. "You're telling me to calm down?" I saw SungMin, HanKyung and KangIn hyung standing up, and SiWon starting to move forward. I nearly snorted. Did they think I was going to hit someone? "The girl that I love is sitting in a hospital ward, with no inkling of who I am at all, and you're telling me to calm down?!"
"DongHae, she'll recover. One day, and it might even be tomorrow, she might wake up and remember you," said HeeChul hyung, comfortingly. I surveyed the room, seeing RyeoWook huddled up with YeSung and Teukie hyung, and felt more anger boiling in my very soul.
"We understand, DongHae," said SiWon earnestly. "Just -"
Is there any way to go beyond boiling point? Because I seem to have gone past it. Way past it.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!" I screamed, throwing the glass of water at the wall. The glass shattered around us. I turned and ran into my room, slamming the door behind me and leaning against it.
Oh God, what have I just done?
---
EunHyuk
He hasn't been talking.
It's been a week now.
We're debuting (again) soon.
When we get back from training he goes straight to his room.
SungMin says he doesn't do anything. Doesn't say anything.
What a time to get depressed.
We have a gazillion new things to do, even though we've already filmed the new MV for the title song (not releasing anything at this point). It's hard when he's not communicating.
Ah, why am I always the one put up to this?
They know I'm not good at talking... especially when Hae's being like this.
Oh well, practice makes perfect, I guess.
I knock on the door.
"Hae?" I venture.
No reply.
As if I wasn't expecting that.
I timidly turn the doorknob and slip in. Like a cat.
Somebody tell me why the heck I feel like I've committed an offense.
There he is. Sitting facing the window, clutching a pillow. I round the chair til I'm facing him. His face looks like it's made of marble.
Damn. DongHae's turned cyborg. Like in BoA sunbae's music video.
"DongHae..." I say, dragging up another chair. "Look, you know I'm not good to these things. But the others are really worried about you and..."
He turns to stare blankly at me.
Damn, I'm getting the creeps now.
"And... we need you right now," I decide to continue like nothing's happened. Like my skin isn't getting goosebumps. "Because the album's going to release soon, and we're all busy but..."
"I know. I'm in the way."
Oh gosh, did he just talk? A miracle! DongHae's talking!
"You're not in the way," I say patiently. "You're not in it enough. Don't you think you're taking this a bit far...?"
I instantly regret saying the words as soon as they're out of my mouth. He's giving me the blank look again.
"A bit far...?" he repeats quietly. Then he switches back to almost normal DongHae. "What do you mean a bit far?!" he says angrily.
"Let me explain," I say quickly, holding up a hand. He deflates back into the chair, looking very tired suddenly. "I know that you're like this because JaeHwa's... in this state... but shouldn't you be doing something about it? Instead of sitting here? Shouldn't you be there by her side every moment you've got, trying to make her remember? I know I'd do that if that happened to Hyunnie..." I cringe slightly at the thought. Never.
"I..." DongHae starts, looking a little taken aback. He looks out of the window again. "It's just that I don't know if I want her to remember, Hyukkie," he says. "I don't want her to remember... the pain I put her through again."
This boy really is impossible sometimes.
"DongHae, she is (was, I think) in love with you, she doesn't care about all that anymore!" I say urgently, shaking him slightly. "Why the hell are you still like this?! I thought you'd gotten over this!"
"Looks like it started again, huh Hyukkie?" he replies, attempting to smile. It doesn't come off right.
At that moment his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket, glancing at the screen.
"Do you know this number?" he asks, frowning a little. I shake my head. "Ah, what the heck," he says, flipping the phone open.
"Hello?" he says. "Nuguseyo? Who is this?" He listens for a while, his eyes growing wider every second. "But... how did you get my number?" he asks. More talk. "Ah, of course," he says, eyes shining.
Can I know what the heck is going on? I tug at his sleeve but he shrugs me off, raising a finger to his lips.
Then his expression changes. His mouth drop opens. Worry starts to settle on his face. "What?!" he exclaims. "But... isn't she... how.... when?" Talk. Hysterical yelling? "I'll go now. I'll check the coastal areas. Call me when you find anything!"
He hangs up, looking at me.
"DongHae, what...?"
"JaeHwa's gone," he replies, jumping out of the chair and out the door.
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